The Last Jedi: A Space Rant *With Spoilers*

Ok so I watched The Last Jedi today. I do love Star Wars so I was damn hyped, especially with all the rave reviews comparing this film to Empire Strikes Back and throwing 5 Stars all around. And when even Arthouse lovers like Mark Kermode and Little White Lies give the latest sequel the stamp of approval it feels warranted to get excited.

I must say I really, REALLY enjoyed The Force Awakens. I watched it four times in the cinema and it always held up. I didn’t mind that it was basically a rehash of A New Hope, I just enjoyed the fact that JJ managed to recapture the magic of Star Wars and wash away the bitter taste of the shitty prequels.

Yet I left the cinema today underwhelmed, and the longer I think about it the more I’m actually getting pissed off. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for giving new directors a shot at Star Wars and I am actually happy JJ didn’t do The Last Jedi. He is great with relaunching franchises, but not so great at continuing them. For example I really loved his Star Trek reboot, but hated the sequel Star Trek Into Darkness as it showcased that JJ is unable to craft anything new himself without clinging to the past.

“Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. It’s the only way to become who you meant to be.”

These wise words uttered by evil space emo Kylo Ren feels like the mantra director Ryan Johnson applied to directing this movie: The way he chopped off story threads and ended characters could be seen as daring, but for me it just felt like bad storytelling and a big fuck you to the audience. 

Don’t get me wrong, the movie was kinda ok. But exactly like Bladerunner2049 there was no new epicness and weight added to the already existing lore. Just a couple of jokes and cool effects.

Without getting too sophisticated here , let me just unleash my inner Dark Side and slice through this thing! Maybe we have to let the past die. Maybe we need to grow up and acknowledge that nothing will ever be as iconic as the original trilogy. Maybe we should just stop trying to chase that first high A New Hope gave us back in the days!

Let’s be honest: THE PREQUELS ALL SUCKED! They were a heap of smelly CGI turd. ALL OF THEM! They stained and damaged the glory of the original trilogy even more than the horrible meddling of George Lucas with the original films that came after! So actually I don’t care about Lucas anymore and his opinions about Star Wars.

The other thing that I need to get off my chest is the practice of trying to fix weak storylines and plot holes with a slew of accompanying books… FUCK THIS ALSO! Either you make the story work in the movies or GTFO! I am not excusing sloppy writing with “Duuude you should have read the Prequel Book… they totally explained it there!” BOLLOX TO THAT! 

After getting this off my chest let’s jump straight to the new movie and my grievances…





Ok so where do I start. Maybe with what I liked: I liked grumpy Luke, I LOVED the Yoda puppet. I love Kylo Ren and Rey. I love how they use practical effects and retro visuals to give us the Star Wars feeling back. And the Hyperspace Kamikaze attack from Vice Admiral Holdo had everyone in the cinema gasping. I loved how they explained why the always overacting doucebag General Hux was still kept around. So yeah, some nice touches there.


Unceremoniously killing off Snoke without giving any insight into his backstory or deal SUCKED.

Having Leia doing some Superman stuff by surviving in space and casually floating back to the starship SUCKED. Especially as there no intrigue. There was no build up and no explanation.

Having Luke basically not train Rey but a bit but not really but a bit again was so underwhelming and SUCKED.

Rey pointless decent into the “Evil Zone” to find… nothing? SUCKED

Finn SUCKED, Rose SUCKED and their whole adventure on that Prequel Casino Planet SUUUCKED and pulled me straight back into the nightmare that is the prequel trilogy. Oh and Phasma? SUCKED!

I’m tired of Poe doing his “hot headed pilot” thing in every scene he is in. I’m tired of Finn as he is basically the Jar Jar of this new trilogy: Completely pointless. And all this added on crap about animal cruelty, Roses family story and that totally forced romance… SUCK SUCK SUCK!

I’m tired of the whole “Oh they got weapon X, we need to blow it up!” “Damn, now they got weapon Y, we need to blow it up also!” Really dudes? Let me guess… does it have a weakness? Is there an exhaust pipe? DO WE NEED TO BLOW UP THE REACTOR CORE? Seriously: First it was the Dreadnaught ship, then it was the tracking device and ultimately it was that gun on the fake Hoth planet. YES! HOTH! Just because you mix some red in there it doesn’t distract from the fact that you ripped off Empire!

 Gorilla AT ATs on Hoth
Gorilla AT ATs on Hoth

More? Ok…

Reys “Put a shirt on” joke in the middle of an intriguing scene SUCKED

The wannabe funny alien nuns on Lukes Planet SUCKED.

All the new ship designs SUCKED too. Seriously… no iconic shapes, everything blocky and whatever. 


Damn that looked tasty…

So what would I have liked better? What was my expectation?

I would have liked to know more about Snoke and the goal of The First Order apart from just being evil. At least the Emperor had the Sith thing going. But Snoke? Who was this guy? What was his connection to the Force? Wasted…

Same for Rey. I would have enjoyed some Jedi training, some insight into the Jedi culture. Some cool Luke monologues. Same goes for Kylo Ren. So how come he turned? Why was he in contact with Snoke although he trained with Luke? How did he grow up during the time after the Emperor was defeated. How did the First Order form? And where are the Sith in all of this?

I fear there is really nothing deeper here then some cheap story beats and killing off the legendary characters of our childhood. I fear that the next sequel will make it painfully obvious that there hasn’t been a strong vision for a story arch that’s unfolding in a satisfying manner over the time of a trilogy.

Talking about a satisfying trilogy: Each part of the original movies added new and exciting characters and story beats. So much iconic material! Maybe certain films just have their time. Trying to recreating the magic will ultimately fail.

If The Force Awakens felt like rekindling a love affair with a past lover, The Last Jedi feels like the week after where you realize you are clinging onto some old emotions of the past and it’s time to move on.

So maybe we Nerds need to let the past die. Accept that what has been will never come back.

I do want the new movies to be good, I want them to succeed. But the Last Jedi didn’t feel like it opened the mythology up, it felt like it shut it down in the most nihilistic way possible.

Anyway… let’s see how they wrap it all up in two years.

May the Force be with us until then!

One Reply to “The Last Jedi: A Space Rant *With Spoilers*”

  1. If you’ve not seen the Last Jedi yet don’t read any further on it contains spoilers so please don’t bitch on thay I’ve ruined it..

    Still reading? Here goes.

    I’m 41 I was born in 1976 i was a starwars kid loved it grew up on it I wanted to be HanSolo, why? Who wouldn’t want Chewie as your best mate and the Falcon.

    I loved all three of the original trilogy hated  two of CGI wankfests that were the come back three.. Attack of the clones gave a bit of hope that it was worth investing time in once again.

    TFA was brilliant everything about it was just perfect no shitty half arsed CGI, loads of puppets and props and a great story albeit pretty much a copy of New Hope. Overall it was superb and I couldn’t wait for Last Jedi..

    Wedged in the middle was Rogue One again superb fantastic character development a back story a link to the original trilogy amazing CGI it worked..

    Then the hype machine kicks in and I watched waiting for December 15th to take my old man to the flicks as he’d done with me when I was  a kid to watch Jedi..

    I wanted it to start off right on Skellig with that hand over.. but no it’s a space battle. Another trap a drawn out destruction piece which could have been concluded in 10 minutes.. but wait who’s that with Hux. It’s Ade Edmondson, or if you don’t know Eddie from UK comedy show Bottom. (Amazing by the way) but he’s always Eddie.. Why is he in it..

    Piss poor story line. Then we cut to Rey who’s been stood waiting for two years for Luke to take the lazersword from her hands..only to dismiss her cause guess what he’s f*****d off to a deserted island to die.. oh yeah live off the blue milk drink from a set of tits on a sealion..

    And don’t forget the money grabbers the must have stocking filler the Porgs.. They add nothing purely an additional cash cow.. So wanted Chewie to guzzle em down.

    Cue cuts to finn who’s woke up looking for Rey but falls for another who drags him through a heart felt shit storm day at the races with some cut and paste CGI horse beast to prove that slaves are people too.. do me a f*****g favour boring. Oh don’t forget the double crosser in del Toro.. or DJ

    Constantly cutting to shit gags then to Rey being told to go away and then don’t go away mind links with kylo pretty trippy..

    Then a rescue mission to save kylo from Snoke who from all the hype is weak as f**k and ends up like Darth Maul..thought I’d seen that one before..

    The red guards get slaughtered surprised hey? No.

    Then the rescue and the hoth battle with a vision of Luke then the end..youd think! no! more of the same heart felt shit to drag it over 2.5 hours for Luke to dissapear like monkey he dead was he ever alive will he come back.. I at the moment dont care.. It’s done too long shit story line poor character stories yawnfest.

    I didn’t mention Leah the space witch but if youve seen Wizard of Oz or Guardians vol 1 you ain’t Missing out.. Cut & Paste from the Marvel Disney servers..

    She should have died piloting the carrier instead of Laura Dern her character was interesting at least..

    I loved the nostalgia, I loved seeing the kids dressed as Chewie or Jedi in the Cinema, I watch TFA 5 times in the cinema and I’ve lost count since..but this..once is enough more than happy to wait for a Blu-ray release to add it to the set, but I guess that’s what Disney want more after show sales..

    Review 2/5 for me. I’d say it don’t even make top 5 from the 9.. Shame really because I f*****g love starwars..

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