Star Wars Episode 9: The Solaris speculation!

The Internet is still ablaze with fire that The Last Jedi lit within the Star Wars Community. I have to be honest, I disliked the movie too! 

For me the cardinal sin wasn’t that Captain Phasma didn’t get a bigger character arch or that Luke never had the chance to truly kick ass.

For me it’s that Rian Johnson really narrowed down what JJ can do in the next chapter and got lost story wise.

I still can’t believe that his script got approved and there wasn’t anyone around to flesh out a three part saga to begin with! If you are continuing the biggest and most love franchise in the world you would think that would have been the case…


The worst thing that could happen now is that JJ feels obliged to hit the reboot button yet again to bring back Snoke or undo other parts of The Last Jedi. As much as I disliked this movie, let’s just put on a brave face and move on! Otherwise this trilogy will feel even more like a mess. Let’s just hope JJ sparkles a little bit more nostalgia on everything than Rian Johnson was willing to do.

So the big question is of cause: Where do we go from here.

Snoke is no more, Luke is no more. Rey is on the run with the last of the resistance. Leia is still around. We got Poe, Finn and Rose also. There are some stashed away Jedi books. Kylo is the Supreme Leader. There are Force sensitive people out there.

Let me indulge you with a story I’d like to see in the next movie. And yes, after having finished writing my own version of Episode 9 I actually retconned TLJ quite a bit. Ah well… suck it Haters!

Ultimately we need Kyo to be defeated/redeemed and the Jedi to return SOMEHOW. Another possibility would be that Rey and Kylo cancel each other out as the two sides of the Force, leaving a blank slate for new Force sensitive people to start all over again. Very Matrix-y.

So let’s begin…

Let’s start with the best part of the new trilogy: Kylo Ren. He now is the main dude of the First Order, so what’s next for him? After Lukes passing, all that’s left to do is to beat or turn Rey. 

The film starts with a flashback to the night Luke tried to cut Kylo down. We can see the whole situation unravel with Kylo having an epic fight with Luke.  As Luke looks like he is winning, Ben turns to Snoke to bestow powers onto him. This would be the point where Kylo goes full Darkside and levels the whole Jedi training facility AKIRA style.

Standing in the ruins of the Jedi temple he gazes at the last 5 pupils that are still alive. He asks them if they are with him and they all nod. We get Snoke landing with a shuttle nearby picking them up. Snoke adresses Kylo telling him he is now ready to be properly trained.


Kylo wakes up from this fever dream and rushes to the command bridge. He orders Hux to travel to a certain star system where he boards his shuttle and descents on a dark planet. Yup fanboys: It’s Mustafar!

I always liked Kylo being a Vader fanboy so I’d bring that aspect of him back.

We see him walk through Vaders old citadel from Rogue One where he calls out for Vader, calling him a traitor for turning and dissing Luke and the Jedi. He is still super emotional about the dream, cursing out the full Skywalker lineage. We could even get a broken down room with the table Vader was crafted on in Episode 3.

Suddenly we get hisses and whispers and we get the force ghost of… Anakin! Yeah fuck it, bring Hayden back! Just make sure he has some good dialogue this time…

Anakin and Kylo have some heated convo about the strength of the dark side compared to the “goody-two-shoes” light side. Anakin goes: “Yeah but would you kill your OWN COUSIN after what you have done to your father and mother?” Kylo freezes then gives some stroppy “I’d kill ANYONE who’s in my way” speech and rushes to his shuttle. OH SHIT! Rey and Kylo are family after all.

We cut to Rey who is with the rest of the resistance on the Millennium Falcon. Leia is getting weaker after her space flight and seeing her brother die got her energy right down. She is on her death bed.

I don’t want to see CGI Leia again and I doubt they shot any scenes with her on Episode 9 so we need to say goodbye to Leia somehow, as hard as that seems.

Leia calls for Rey and she reveals to her that she is Lukes daughter. Leia felt it during her last encounter with Luke during TLJ. She dies holding Reys hand… ALL THE FEELS!

Listen! I do hate that everyone is related and connected in Star Wars as much as you do, but having Rey be a nobody isn’t very rewarding in an epic fantasy way, ok? And having the Solos and Skywalkers face off is kinda cool.

Now Poe enters the stage talking about rebuilding the resistance. At this point we could either go: Fuck the resistance, it’s Rey against Kylo. OR we have Poe, Finn and Rose try to motivate the old allies to join forces again so we can have a big ass final space battle.

I’d say Poe, Finn and Rose go on their rebel sidequest to gather whats left of the rebellion whilst Rey seeks out a planet to check out all the Jedi books in her stash. Maybe she can go to R2-D2 and fire up Lukes old map, retracing his path before he went into exile in Ireland.

So basically she fucks off and makes camp in an abandoned Jedi temple on some new planet where she reads the books and tries to train like Rocky IV in Russia: Damn low tech and a bit rubbish.

Cut to Kylo

He sits on Snokes throne, the door opens and Hux comes in. Informing him that he found “them”.

We cut to a shuttle landing on a planet. Kylo orders the troops to fall behind and walks into some dark alien jungle. He arrives at a derelict Sith temple and gets attacked by 5 shadowing figures. After beating them all after an epic battle one of them says: “So you returned!” Kylo lowers his saber and tells them that he needs their powers. The Knights of Ren are BACK!

Back on the star destroyer he tasks them to track down Rey and the Rebellion and to put their abilities to good use again. We now have some LOTR Nazgul situation where the Knights of Ren search the galaxy for Rey with they Force powers.

Cut to Rey

She is doing her thing in that abandoned Jedi temple, very reminiscent of her AT-AT homestead on Jakuu. Hell, she could even cook up a green “portion” again!

To cut a long story short: Force Ghost Luke appears and now we get that fucking training montage!

After her training is progressed enough he shows her how to craft her own lightsaber. She adds her own modifications and VOILA! We get Darth Mauls double bladed staff just with green blades as she used the kyber cristal from Lukes old weapon!

Meanwhile with the Rebels

Leia passed away, we get a funeral in the debris field of Alderaan. Leias death echoes through the galaxy. It’s the news of her death that reignites the rebellion! #neverforgetAlderaan

We have all these spaceships appear out of nowhere to join the fight and so we have some new toys we can blow up run the epic last battle. Poe is happy, BB-8 beeps and Finn and Rose hug. And Chewie just stands there with a Porg on his shoulder. Awwwwwwwwwwww…

Cut to Rey

We can have a Force chat with Kylo again where she tells him that he won’t find her. He just chuckles and says: “I just did.”

Five starships land and it’s the Knights of Ren. Ren puts all her Luke training to good use and we get an epic light saber battle where she cuts them all down. In the heat of the moment we see her loose control of her emotions and enjoys the killing a bit too much. This way we keep the ambivalence.

 Cool Knights of Ren concept art
Cool Knights of Ren concept art

After the fight is over she knows she needs to face off with Kylo and Luke urges her to always keep her dark side under control. She jumps in her vintage, beaten up star ship ( shall we reuse the Jedi Fighter from the Prequels? ) and flies to Kylo…

Now we got the resistance prepare for battle and Rey heading for Kylo.

So we get one last big fucking space battle! Everyone is running to their space ships. Only Chewie is sad because without Rey or Han he has no Co-Pilot. The hangar door opens and a shadowy figure says: “Maybe I can help with that”… LANDO IS BACK BABY!

We can have a bit of banter with Lando and Poe… “I hope you are still as good as my father told me you were” or something…

Rey of cause gets permission to land and we have a final battle that echoes ROTJ just without an Emperor.

After an epic fight their Force powers cancel each other out and implode the whole Jedi / Sith thing. Now that would be truly a balance of the Force! Plus further movies can reboot that situation anyway.

Sooo… both are out of it and without powers.

Kylo forgives Luke and we get some flashes of Ben, Han and Leia being a family. Rey drops her light saber and gets her moment with Luke. He says: “It’s about time I introduce you to your mother… Mary!” A second Force Ghost appears…

OH SHIT Mary Jade is canon now!

Meanwhile the resistance wins the space battle, enters Kylos Star Destroyer. Poe takes out Hux and the rebels win, yaaayyy!

Kylo and Rey both lost their force abilities. Kylo is still somehow mortally wounded and joins his mother and father in death because he has been such a naughty boy and can’t be allowed to survive the movie.

Rey goes back to Jakuu as “It’s sandy and horrible, but it’s home.”

If we want to be really cheesy we can see Finn and Rose dropping off broom boy from TLJ after they freed him and the other kids from slavery. As he runs back to his parents we see two suns rising on the horizon… implying that the circle starts again!

The End! 

PS: Oh and I’d call it: The Balance of the Force

Let me know in the comments below what you think about my story points! GENIUS, RIGHT?!

A Solaris sermon for Christmas

In Germany we celebrate Christmas one day ahead of the British and Americans so allow me to formulate some soppy thoughts for the festive season already today on the 24th!

When you get older and grumpier one can say Christmas is just a massive waste of time: Cheesy as hell music on the radio, the pressure to purchase even more stuff and Santa has been invented by Coca Cola anyway. But when you strip away all the religious stuff and consumerist hocus pocus then to me Christmas is about wrapping up the year (no pun intended) and coming together with friends and family to chill.

It’s getting cold and dark, so getting together somewhere cosy and well lit makes total sense to me. Dragging a real pine tree into all of this at the cost of it’s life not so much but hey, I just assume the Pagans knew what they were doing!

Yet, even more classic than the Chistmas turkey is the Christmas family feud. When different generations, points of view and lifestyles collide at the dinner table, shit can hit the fan!

So why is it so hard to keep to keep the peace? I guess apart from the obvious issue of having different people forced to co-exists in the same space for a whole evening I feel it has a lot to do with expectations and needs.


It’s easy to avoid issues when you are apart from each other, but hard when being face to face. Every little annoying gesture or comment can trigger Defcon 5 at any given moment,

 So here are some things I feel help to keep things chilly chill this Christmas :

 1. Do check the technique

Someone is always the host and expects that the guests respect the rules of the house. Yet as a guest you are used to your own rhythm, and it can piss you off to have to adapt to the groove of someone else. Yet peace lies in the compromise: The host needs to mentally prepare that their guests want to feel at ease and might have their own requirements to be able to relax, yet the guests should respect they are entering the realm of someone who has his own groove going on.

Basically: Don’t smoke a blunt at the dinner table, yet your parents should allow you to put on some Cypress Hill when the family unwraps the presents!

2. Don‘t bring the Ruckus

Every family has their quarrels. Parents, Siblings and extended family can easily clash over minutiae: Everyone has an opinion of how the other could/should change their job, relationship or lifestyle. As annoying as this is, normally this uninvited feedback comes from a place of love and care. Parents want to see their kids safe and secure, of cause they would lean towards a more conservative approach regarding life. That’s why your Dad hates the fact you want to go to art school instead of becoming a solicitor or something similar boring.

So to keep the peace it’s important to dial down passive aggressive comments, unsolicited feedback and open judgment.

Just because you are pissed off that you didn’t loose any weight this year there is no need to tell someone else they got fatter and should go easy on the Christmas chocolates, alright?

Ultimately any concern should be about the happiness of a friend or family member. So instead of diving into questions about current jobs and relationships, one should focus more on another question: “Are you happy?”

If the answer is yes, who cares about the details. Just because you feel the urge to earn crazy money on Wallstreet and drive a Porsche it doesn’t mean your cousin who is working as a lumberjack in Canada simply MUST get his act together and get into the banking business. He might be actually happier than you, with more free time and fresh air!

 3. Don’t give shit Christmas presents!

The most common mistake people make with presents is that they gift things they like themselves, and not actually caring what the person they gift to wants to have.

Don’t be that asshole that gives a loved one ugly jumpers in the wrong size or passive aggressive shit like a treadmill or diet books! And don’t try to beat them at their own game: If your nephew is a sneaker head, don’t buy a pair of shoes in the local mall YOU would like to wear. Respect the fact you have no idea what you are doing and step away from making any hasty decisions. Just because it kinda looks like a Yeezy doesn’t mean it’s a Yeezy!

Another festive classic is to re-gift stuff that got gifted to you and you don’t need anymore. People WILL know what you are trying to pull here!

To get some stuff that’s so far removed from any interest you actually have is one of the biggest insults one can make. Better come clean and say: “Dude I actually don’t care about you. So I didn’t bother getting you anything.” That’s more forgivable than gifting a tennis racket to someone who just broke both of his arms!

So on that note do I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday or Awesome Tree day! Don’t fuck it up… for Chrissakes!


The Last Jedi: The Solaris Edit

Wow The Last Jedi really ruffled some feathers out there!!! It seems I am not the only one who thought the sequel sucked…

I think a big part of the disappointment is that it seemed that Rian Johnson wasn’t really interested in any of the set ups JJ Abrahams established in The Force Awakens (TFA). This made me think of the “Yes, and…” rule I was taught during Improv Theatre lessons: In order to keep a scene between two actors flowing you never interrupt the flow of a story by cutting it off. 

One should always acknowledge what came before and then add any new twists and turns by saying “Yes, and…”. I feel Rian Johnson was more like “Yes, and… FUCK THIS!”, trying to shake off the long shadow cast by JJ and Star Wars itself. This, if I am honest, could have been excused if the story he was telling was more kick ass and exciting. But I am still amazed why he chose to give the blandest characters a big side story, whilst throwing all exciting story beats from TFA out of the window.


So that kept me thinking about how I would have amended the story to make it work better…

So let’s get out the lightsabers and Porg cuddly toys and revisit this mess!

First, let’s start with the set up: 

There is a mystery around Reys parents and her Force abilities, there is the promise of seeing Snoke finish training Kylo, there is the massive cliffhanger with grizzled Jedi master Luke. We still have Chewie hanging around after the death of Han Solo and we need to deal with the tragic passing of Princess Leia herself. Finn is in coma with his back sliced open by Kylo, the Galactic Senate has been blown up and The First Order just lost their Deathst… ehhh Starkiller Base. There are whispers about the Knights of Ren and ancient Jedi lore.

Even writing down this list makes me pissed off that Johnson didn’t really deal with any of that!

Ok so let’s see what MY GENIUS BRAIN would have cooked up…

Let’s start easy.

First of all I would have addressed that Captain Phasma lowered the shields and allowed the rebels to blow up the most powerful weapon in TFA. She is a throwaway character anyway, so instead of having a lame fight with Finn we use her to show how badass Snoke is. I quite liked how Snoke kicked Hux around like a rag doll, so why not do a big ROTJ landing bay scene with Snoke infront of the First Order armies addressing the failure to protect Starkiller Base and making an example of Captain Phasma by killing her with some gruesome Darkside powers in front of everybody!

That would establish Snoke as a badass with powers never seen before and raise the intrigue what his deal is. I really enjoyed the fact that Darth Vader became this hero figure for Kylo, so why not get a bit of Darth Vader hero worship in there too with Snoke praising days of old, with the Empire in full swing. 

We can then continue with the attack on the Rebel Base. That fight against the Dreadnaught ship was awesome and I wouldn’t change a thing apart from making that female bomber pilot a nobody. She can still display mild Force powers to get the switch, establishing that the Force is with many different people, not just the Jedi. But no amulet rubbing, setting up the connection with Rose. BECAUSE THERE WON’T BE A ROSE!

Poe gets dressed down by Leia for wasting too many ships like in the movie, just with the difference that he get’s arrested for not following orders and thrown in lock down. YEP! Poe is out for the moment as his hot-headedness cost too many Rebel troops their lives.

Switch to Rey and Luke

I liked how he threw the lightsaber away so I am happy to roll with the whole “this dojo is closed” vibe. But as we know from similar situations in movies like Fight Club and Dr. Strange what needs to happen next: Rey needs to show some determination and commitment so swing Luke around. I like how she followed him around and how we see Lukes day by day. But: No funny alien nuns and no ugly alien with milk tits. Just kills the whole gravitas of the situation. I mean we are dealing with broken Luke Skywalker here!

So we have some back and forth and ultimately Luke tells Rey about the night Kylo fucked up his Jedi temple and bailed on him. Great opportunity to do a flashback scene, to go back to the time just after ROTJ: The death of his father aka Vader, the unrest after the fall of the Emperor, the birth of Kylo, Han bailing on Leia and Luke trying to re-establish the Jedi Order.

Luke tells Rey how Snoke crept into Kylos mind and corrupted him. This could be done similar to Sarumans corruption in LOTR… somehow Kylo finds a book or artefact that talks about the Dark Side and gets obsessed with it, hiding it from Luke. Maybe Luke himself was dabbling in the Dark Side and Kylo found a forbidden book or Sith artifact? As Kylo is still not over Han leaving him behind Snoke connects with his seeking spirit and whispers into his ear that he is not worth being loved and will get betrayed not only his father but his master also! This would explain why Kylo seeked Snoke after Luke tried to kill him.

We see the night of Kylo’s betrayal from Lukes view and Rey seems vindicated thinking that Kylo is a piece of shit!

Now we get some damn Jedi training, ok? Because Rey needs to be able to kick ass, and without at least some training this won’t fly. Luke can still be reluctant, yet fascinated. It can still end with Rey blowing some shit up and Luke getting a massive freak out like in the movie.

No mind talking between Rey and Kylo. We do that chatting later. At some point Rey leaves Luke disappointed and returns to the resistance.

Now if my memory serves me well we go back to the Rebels and that slow ass chase scene. Ok, so that whole set up was kinda stupid. So we skip all that.

After the jump the First Order attacks.

Kylo still leads the assault and he still doesn’t pull the trigger. The command bridge is still getting blown up. But the scene is played out way slower, with Admiral Ackbar trying to sort shit out but dying a heros death. Just before the command bridge implodes, Luke and Leia connect their minds and Luke tells Leia the famous lines from ROTJ that he always knew she had the Force as well. And that now in her last minutes she needs to let go and embrace it.

We get a damn tear jerking moment of Leia closing her eyes, feeling the Force, smiling and then getting sucked into space. That’s it! She’s gone.

We get see Luke meditating on Ahch-Cho, opening his eyes crying. YES IT’S A TEAR JERKER! The mental goodbye between Leia and Luke!

Rey arrives with the resistance, sees shit is fucked up. The attack left the last ships of the resistance floating in space, so Hux get’s a massive boner just toying with them. Kylo and Snoke have a moment and Snoke instructs Kylo to turn Rey to the Dark side. Kylo contacts the Rebels and tells them that Rey needs to meet him if she wants to save her friends on the remaining rebel spaceships.

NOW we have a waiting game as The First Order can only attack after Rey got turned. We get all the Kylo and Rey dialogues onboard Snokes spaceship. Kylo tells Rey his side of Lukes story and we get the info that Luke tried to kill him. SHOCK HORROR!

Cut back to the Rebels…

Finn wakes up and gets some badass cybernetic spine because his body was so mauled by Kylos lightsaber. Let’s not forget he was a Stormtrooper once and the fact they always play him for comic relief sucks. He can be funny, but he can’t be plain useless.

So whilst the Rebels await their doom, Finn breaks out Poe and they go on a BRO mission to get support from other fractions of the rebellio
n. So yeah… no Laura Dern and no Rose! They take the Millennium Falcon and manage to leave the Rebel fleet undetected with Chewie who is happy to go on an adventure just like in the good old days with Han!

Back to the bad guys…

Now we jump back to Kylo and Rey. It get’s revealed her parents didn’t matter, she breaks down and accepts to talk to Snoke as she feels she is lost with nowhere to go.

Snoke offers to show Rey her place in all of this and all three board a shuttle and fly down to a close planet. Oh what’s that weird citadel they land close to? Oh shit, it’s ancient Sith temple! BOOM!!!

In the meantime Hux is getting instructed to only attack the Rebels once Snoke returns.

On the planet, we get an insight into Sith lore and Sith training. With Kylo training Rey under the watchful eyes of Snoke. It get’s revealed that Snoke is an ancient being that neither believes in the Dark nor the Light, but tries to fuse both sides to gain ultimate power. He used to be a Sith apprentice that saw the weakness in the Dark side as much as in the Light side. A great moment to bitch about the lame Jedi and the weak Sith in the Prequels: “All they did was talking about trading agreements” Hahahaha, take THAT George!!!

Swipe back to Poe and Finn on their mission. No damn casino planet, no kids with broom handles, no cute CGI aliens! We are in a Jabbas Palace / Cantina situation: Dirt, danger and freaky aliens. Ultimately they start talking to some Mon Calamari. Poe tells them that Ackbar died and the Resistance is fucked. The Mon Calamari take Poe and Finn to a secret rebel base that has been dormant for years. Oh shit… it’s the water planet of Kamino! They build the Calamari resistance in the derelict Clone Trooper facility! Ok I know, we all don’t want to think about the Prequels, but they are canon and won’t go away! So we might as well try to make them retroactively cool! So if you rather wanna pick  Geonosis or a destroyed Naboo… be my guest!

After some motivational speech they dust off all the abandoned rebel tech and we have a strong rebel strike team going back to save the rebellion! Queue to some amazing Rebel ships from the Prequels and OG trilogy appearing out of the water ( they are supposed to be vintage anyway ) and heading towards the last rebel ships.

Switch to Snoke, Kylo and Rey on the Sith planet.

Kylo pretends to turn to the light and we get the epic Rey / Kylo team up, battling Snoke. Through fusing their powers they defeat him and we get a nice grisely death scene.

We cut back to Luke who feels Snokes death. We get a connection between Luke and Kylo as well where Luke feels Kylos burning rage. Luke sits meditating, not sure what to do. Now we get Force ghost Yoda, and they have a moment. Yoda calls out his pussy-ness and Luke sees that he has to wrap things up with Kylo himself.

We walks to the cliff and Force lifts his vintage X Wing fighter out of the damn sea!

Back to the Sith planet. They fly back to the First Order fleet and Rey thinks all is good. But Kylo just smirkes and tells her that with Snoke gone he can finally step into the footsteps of Vader and destroy the Rebellion!

We get some more dialogue between them where Kylo calls Rey weak and all the other insults a Dark Force user would hurl at a Jedi.

He walks onto the bridge and opens a channel to the Rebels, about to deliver an epic last dialogue. But guess who is on the bridge answering the call? FUCKING LUKE SKYWALKER!!!

Luke apologizes for being weak and failing him, for letting fear rule him. He urges Kylo to fulfill his destiny on the light side and talks about how he saved Vader. We get an epic flashback of the the scene in ROTJ where Luke lifts Vader helmet ( now that sounds wrong ).

Kylo gets super emotional and basically screams “destroy the Rebels once and for all”! Lasers fire, Tie Fighters attack… and Luke fucks them all up with some EPIC Force powers. Basically some crazy next level shit like in that Star Wars game where we see the Force push two Star Destroyers into each other. It needs to be completely a HOLY SHEEEET moment. This is where we could use that great Hyperjump Kamikaze effect… or something.

Just when Luke is at the end of his powers we get the Mon Calamari rebel fleet arriving and an epic space battle commences. Kylo chokes Rey and taunts Luke to come over if he wants to save his apprentice. Luke, visibly shaky, agrees.

Whilst the battle rages in space we get a showdown between Luke and Kylo, with Luke rocking his GREEN lightsaber. But as he used up all his powers he is no match for Kylo. We get the “If you strike me down” line and Luke does an Obi Wan Kenobi disappearing act with Kylo slicing right through him.

Back to the space battle…

The rebels are successful fighting off the First Order. Hux comes running to Kylo, telling him that a retreat is necessary.

We pan to Rey who is full of anger and rage, holding the smoldering cowl of Luke. When Kylo turns around we see her picking up Lukes lightsaber, attacking Kylo full blast. During the fight we see Rey totally giving into the Dark side, hammering down Kylo. After he lies on the floor begging for his life, we see Rey lifting her head and we get a close up of her Sith eyes. BOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!

Cut to the Rebellion celebrating their victory, with the First Order disappearing into Hyperspace. Whilst everyone is cheering on the bridge, Finn looks to where the First Order disappeared and yells out: Rey!


Now tell me that would not be a better movie than what we have…

The Last Jedi: A Space Rant *With Spoilers*

Ok so I watched The Last Jedi today. I do love Star Wars so I was damn hyped, especially with all the rave reviews comparing this film to Empire Strikes Back and throwing 5 Stars all around. And when even Arthouse lovers like Mark Kermode and Little White Lies give the latest sequel the stamp of approval it feels warranted to get excited.

I must say I really, REALLY enjoyed The Force Awakens. I watched it four times in the cinema and it always held up. I didn’t mind that it was basically a rehash of A New Hope, I just enjoyed the fact that JJ managed to recapture the magic of Star Wars and wash away the bitter taste of the shitty prequels.

Yet I left the cinema today underwhelmed, and the longer I think about it the more I’m actually getting pissed off. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for giving new directors a shot at Star Wars and I am actually happy JJ didn’t do The Last Jedi. He is great with relaunching franchises, but not so great at continuing them. For example I really loved his Star Trek reboot, but hated the sequel Star Trek Into Darkness as it showcased that JJ is unable to craft anything new himself without clinging to the past.

“Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. It’s the only way to become who you meant to be.”

These wise words uttered by evil space emo Kylo Ren feels like the mantra director Ryan Johnson applied to directing this movie: The way he chopped off story threads and ended characters could be seen as daring, but for me it just felt like bad storytelling and a big fuck you to the audience. 

Don’t get me wrong, the movie was kinda ok. But exactly like Bladerunner2049 there was no new epicness and weight added to the already existing lore. Just a couple of jokes and cool effects.

Without getting too sophisticated here , let me just unleash my inner Dark Side and slice through this thing! Maybe we have to let the past die. Maybe we need to grow up and acknowledge that nothing will ever be as iconic as the original trilogy. Maybe we should just stop trying to chase that first high A New Hope gave us back in the days!

Let’s be honest: THE PREQUELS ALL SUCKED! They were a heap of smelly CGI turd. ALL OF THEM! They stained and damaged the glory of the original trilogy even more than the horrible meddling of George Lucas with the original films that came after! So actually I don’t care about Lucas anymore and his opinions about Star Wars.

The other thing that I need to get off my chest is the practice of trying to fix weak storylines and plot holes with a slew of accompanying books… FUCK THIS ALSO! Either you make the story work in the movies or GTFO! I am not excusing sloppy writing with “Duuude you should have read the Prequel Book… they totally explained it there!” BOLLOX TO THAT! 

After getting this off my chest let’s jump straight to the new movie and my grievances…





Ok so where do I start. Maybe with what I liked: I liked grumpy Luke, I LOVED the Yoda puppet. I love Kylo Ren and Rey. I love how they use practical effects and retro visuals to give us the Star Wars feeling back. And the Hyperspace Kamikaze attack from Vice Admiral Holdo had everyone in the cinema gasping. I loved how they explained why the always overacting doucebag General Hux was still kept around. So yeah, some nice touches there.


Unceremoniously killing off Snoke without giving any insight into his backstory or deal SUCKED.

Having Leia doing some Superman stuff by surviving in space and casually floating back to the starship SUCKED. Especially as there no intrigue. There was no build up and no explanation.

Having Luke basically not train Rey but a bit but not really but a bit again was so underwhelming and SUCKED.

Rey pointless decent into the “Evil Zone” to find… nothing? SUCKED

Finn SUCKED, Rose SUCKED and their whole adventure on that Prequel Casino Planet SUUUCKED and pulled me straight back into the nightmare that is the prequel trilogy. Oh and Phasma? SUCKED!

I’m tired of Poe doing his “hot headed pilot” thing in every scene he is in. I’m tired of Finn as he is basically the Jar Jar of this new trilogy: Completely pointless. And all this added on crap about animal cruelty, Roses family story and that totally forced romance… SUCK SUCK SUCK!

I’m tired of the whole “Oh they got weapon X, we need to blow it up!” “Damn, now they got weapon Y, we need to blow it up also!” Really dudes? Let me guess… does it have a weakness? Is there an exhaust pipe? DO WE NEED TO BLOW UP THE REACTOR CORE? Seriously: First it was the Dreadnaught ship, then it was the tracking device and ultimately it was that gun on the fake Hoth planet. YES! HOTH! Just because you mix some red in there it doesn’t distract from the fact that you ripped off Empire!

 Gorilla AT ATs on Hoth
Gorilla AT ATs on Hoth

More? Ok…

Reys “Put a shirt on” joke in the middle of an intriguing scene SUCKED

The wannabe funny alien nuns on Lukes Planet SUCKED.

All the new ship designs SUCKED too. Seriously… no iconic shapes, everything blocky and whatever. 


Damn that looked tasty…

So what would I have liked better? What was my expectation?

I would have liked to know more about Snoke and the goal of The First Order apart from just being evil. At least the Emperor had the Sith thing going. But Snoke? Who was this guy? What was his connection to the Force? Wasted…

Same for Rey. I would have enjoyed some Jedi training, some insight into the Jedi culture. Some cool Luke monologues. Same goes for Kylo Ren. So how come he turned? Why was he in contact with Snoke although he trained with Luke? How did he grow up during the time after the Emperor was defeated. How did the First Order form? And where are the Sith in all of this?

I fear there is really nothing deeper here then some cheap story beats and killing off the legendary characters of our childhood. I fear that the next sequel will make it painfully obvious that there hasn’t been a strong vision for a story arch that’s unfolding in a satisfying manner over the time of a trilogy.

Talking about a satisfying trilogy: Each part of the original movies added new and exciting characters and story beats. So much iconic material! Maybe certain films just have their time. Trying to recreating the magic will ultimately fail.

If The Force Awakens felt like rekindling a love affair with a past lover, The Last Jedi feels like the week after where you realize you are clinging onto some old emotions of the past and it’s time to move on.

So maybe we Nerds need to let the past die. Accept that what has been will never come back.

I do want the new movies to be good, I want them to succeed. But the Last Jedi didn’t feel like it opened the mythology up, it felt like it shut it down in the most nihilistic way possible.

Anyway… let’s see how they wrap it all up in two years.

May the Force be with us until then!